So now we get to find out.
I'm literally going to trawl through all of my achievements and dig up ANY that require me to kill/maim/knock out someone. Be it with certain guns, online achievements, running over a cat or whatever. Then I'm going to stick them all on this here page and have a running total of my sheer lack of morals. The list will include achievements that stack (so if a game has an achievement for 200 kills AND 500 kills) as there are plenty of deaths that will go unaccounted for by any achievement - so it's only fair to balance the scales of justice I suppose.
Considering my history of gaming violence this could take a while.
EDIT: The thought occurs that this page will soon get pretty MASSIVE if I list every single achievement alongside a picture. So I'm going to cut down to just one achievement/pic per game and list the grand total of the kills and ways they were accomplished in the description. Makes sense right?
Oh - I suppose I should have some kind of counter too. Possibly dripping with blood? We shall see.
MY MURDEROUS RAGE HAS ACCOUNTED FOR:
18,800 LIVES!
King of the V-Rexes
Kong has killed numerous V-Rexes - 100 Unlocked
- The game where it all began it seems (mainly because Call of Duty 2 has no kill achievements. That's right - I won a war singlehandedly without being rewarded for killing ANYONE.) So here I am butchering villagers, snakes and giant lizards - all in the name of points. I have no idea how many kills this actually equates to but I recall there being at least ten of the V-Rex beasties and a host of villagers. So we'll say about 40. THE BLOOD BATH BEGINS!
Revenge Award
You killed SKX - 50 Unlocked on 30/05/2006
- Next up was Condemned and, despite beating the crap out of a lot of crazy bums, the only specific achievement is this one. On the plus side I killed a serial killer so that should count as a win right?
47 kills
A mission has been completed with precisely 47 kills. - 20 Unlocked on 26/06/2006
- Ah, Hitman: Blood Money. Surely this game should be ripe for some kills only, like the stealthy protagonist himself, it prefers not to sully itself with any overt references to the business of death. So all we have are these two tasks one for 'accidentally' offing a person - he slipped on a banana skin etc. The other at least just lets you run riot, well as long as your riot stops at precisely 47 kills - one more or less and (in the words of Willy Wonka himself) you get nothing. So an extra 48 kills into the pot.
Ultimate Warrior
Reached 250 kills total in Death Match - 50 Unlocked on 07/08/2006
- Now this is more like it.....I mean, what a tragic waste of life and such. Prey actually didn't reward you for killing aliens and stuff in the campaign but offing people over Xbox Live splurged the points it seems, with kills for each weapon and doing well in solo/team matches. So much death (1,125 kills total) for such a mediocre game......
1,000 Kills
Killed 1,000 Opponents - 40 Unlocked on 31/08/2006
- Full Auto, a driving game that rewards you for turning your rivals cars into burning wrecks as well as for doing so in a rapid amount of time (with 8 kills in a row the max reward). Plus, it gives you the delightful firepower to make doing so that much easier. Another 1,866 kills onto the tally thanks to game that puts revenge on a similar plateau to victory.
The End
Defeat Queen of Ice at the Ice Castle. - 75 unlocked
- Enchanted Arms is quite easily the campest RPG ever made, though it also has a pretty interesting and fun battle mechanic that is worth checking out. There are 23 kills here for offing all of the games main boss battles. Yeah - apparently I made it through a whole RPG with only 23 kills. Random battles mean nothing anymore.
Defeat 500 Vahki
Awarded for successfully defeating 500 Vahki - 20 Unlocked on 07/02/2007
- Seems strange to think that Bionicle Heroes was the first LEGO game I played considering where the series has ended up. It's a game about blasting bricks into smaller bricks and then blasting THOSE bricks into even smaller bricks. As you have to rack up kills with each character and hunt down hordes or each enemy it is worth a hefty 5,800 onto the tally. Boo yah!
Body Count
Kill 100 enemy worms - 20 Unlocked on 03/06/2007
- Worms requires you to kill, well, worms. But not your own worms, other worms. I've discounted the damage achievements (seeing as you can hurt enemies and not necessarily kill them) and gone for pure wormy deaths. Of which this game allows you to snag 118. Weird number but I don't write these bloody cheevos.
Collect 100 Souls
Collect one hundred souls from your enemies. - 150 Unlocked on 10/06/2007
- At World's End was a rubbish game, made all the more so by this pointless grindy achievement. In order to activate Jack's sword you had to kill hordes of foes and then, once activated, you'd probably only get one or two souls if you were lucky. Whoever thought this up deserves a stern flogging and/or talking to. Still it's another 100 kills into the pot.
Upstaged Charming
Defeat Prince Charming. (Normal Difficulty or higher). - 30 Unlocked on 27/06/2007
- Clearly I was going through a phase of terrible games, so don't judge me. Shrek the Third was pretty dire and only offered up three 'kills' for beating the various bosses along your path to ultimate glory and a fairly shameful 1,000 points.
Doomed
Defeat Dr. Doom - 30 Unlocked on 15/07/2007
- Alright, so I played a lot of crap games back to back - I'M SORRY! This game is rather like Shrek (in terms of quality too) in that you only get a paltry 3 kills for beating boss fights. Does my endless slaying of drones and quasi villains mean nothing? Apparently not.....
Pride of Megatron
200 Autobot Drones have fallen before you. - 20 Unlocked on 16/09/2007
- Transformers was actually a decent game (for once) though, despite a number of suggestive achievements titles, there were only two of them for getting kills specifically. Thankfully you had to smash up two hundred drones with both the good AND bad guys, so that adds another 400 to the pile.
Crushing Award
Wipe out enemy and live 100 times. - 20 Unlocked on 04/09/2007
- Chromehounds was a pretty fun online mech game that I started playing with a bunch of friends before I really cared about achievements. I went back a year or so later to grab as many points as I could and the servers have since been shut down. Still I managed to blow up a load of mechs and bases, to the tune of another 400 confirmed kills.
Despicable One
Earned by scoring 20 kills without dying as a Nightwalker - 50 Unlocked on 29/09/2007
- I only actually played Vampire Rain for some easy achievements as I was in a Gamerscore League at the time. That meant I only ever did the online tasks (still need to do the solo stuff) but it still managed to grab me another 62 kills. Take that pesky vampires.
100 Headshot Kills
Achieved 100 Headshot Kills over all multiplayer games played. - 20 Unlocked on 17/05/2006
- Yet another game that I never managed to finish off, mainly due to the fact it was so bloody awful, but I'll probably try and snag some more points on this badboy one day. Perfect Dark Zero still manages to cough up a respectable 360 corpses for only 150 gamerscore attained. That's efficiency at its very best.
1000 ranked matches
Fought 1000 ranked matches - 50 Unlocked on 29/06/2007
- Generally speaking I'm not including mere online wins as there is no way of knowing how many kills were attained etc. However, Wartech is a purely one vs one affair so each victory equates to one kill. Plus, I recall playing the game while the local area flooded (true story) on my week off. My housemates couldn't actually make it home due to the horrendous weather, so I sat there boosting the hell out of Wartech on my own. Good times - and a further 1,100 kills.
Nepal Complete
Defeated Mysterio. Found all collectibles and secrets. - 125 Unlocked on 17/11/2007
- Another game that only 'rewards' me for beating up bosses is Spiderman: FOF. Seeing as you have to take out seven of the beggars it hardly adds a lot to my growing rage-o-meter but every little helps.
Lt. Abigail Black Files
Grasshopper of Ghost – Kill 50 enemies using Ghost Bullet. - 10 Unlocked
- Jericho is a game that, to this day, I always remember as having one of the WORST endings ever. If you can even call it an ending as that may be doing a disservice to games that actually bother to make the hours you've invested worthwhile. Bah! Anyway, the game was fun and stupidly easy up until the point where they ruin it. Plus at least I snagged 1,600 little tally marks for the ever growing pile of shame.
Ace Killer
You have been recognized as The Ace Killer! - 150 Unlocked
- I actually quite enjoy the odd flight game and Blazing Angels is fairly decent to boot. Only seven achievements so it's nice and easy too. Only one of those references killing specifically and it's this one - for shooting down each of the 32 planes on offer in the game. May the shards of their crushed shells forever adorn my wall.
500 Kills
Killed 500 Enemies - 50 Unlocked
- Just Cause was a fairly fun game until you realised that the giant islands you were hopping around on had far too much vegetation and far too little actually going on. Still at least it lets you rough up badguys, 850 of them, so much so that you can have all of the kill achievements pretty early on before you've even done half of the game. Sweet.
Zeppelin Champion
Defeat the Zeppelin - 30 Unlocked on 05/01/2008
- If you are looking for truly awful games then look no further, as The Golden Compass is right up there with the best (or worst) or them. It looks terrible, plays terrible and has no redeeming features other than the fact you can turn it off. If I could kill the entire cast of the game that would make me feel better - but I only got rewarded for doing away with 7 bosses. Ces't la vie.
Testikill
In multiplayer, kill an opponent with a precision aim crotch shot. - 40 Unlocked on 23/01/2008
- I actually really enjoyed Stranglehold, it was the ultimate purveyor of mindless fun. Plus, this achievement is quite simply the best. You know it, I know it, the world knows it. Considering all of the goons you are tasked with gunning down in a variety of weird and wonderful ways it seems odd that you 'only' get achievements for offing 930 people. I KNOW RIGHT?
Master At Harm
200 Minion Fodder Beaten - 25 Unlocked on 14/01/2008
- Whatever happened to Crash Bandicoot? He just seemed to fall off the map really. But he does have a couple of games on the 360 and this one was decent enough. The twist being that you could 'jack' certain enemies and use their powers against your foes or so solve puzzles. Only this solitary achievement in terms of bodycount though - so a mere 200 it will have to be.
The Ultimate Super Hero
Defeated 4000 enemies. - 50 Unlocked on 07/01/2007
- Super hero games are always good sources of minion fodder and Marvel Ultimate Alliance is no different. A cross between a beat 'em up and an RPG, but one that strangely works. Plus, you get achievements for beating up every boss plus a hefty load of underlings. Which can only mean good things for my tally. 4,684 good things to be exact. Super!
Cats Award
Laser Bullet has been used 10 times. Pew Pew. - 10 Unlocked on 13/02/2008
- Firstly, I realise that the achievement I've picked has nothing to do with killing stuff. BUT IT'S A CAT WITH LASER BREATH!!!! So that explains that. Plus, the first of many Cabela's games only gives me an extra 6 kills for capping various critters and hanging them in my trophy case.
Hippo Expert Trophy
The Hippopotamus Trophy has been taken on Expert Mode. - 45 Unlocked on 22/01/2008
- Another Cabela game and another 44 innocent beasties slaughtered in the search for achievement points. This game was pretty dire to be honest but at least it was fairly quick. Plus, hunting wild animals is a tough more satisfying than tracking down a turkey (As per the last game).
Straight Flush
Kill 5 enemies with one shot while in the AC-130 gunship - 20 Unlocked on 22/02/2008
- You would think that Call of Duty games would be full of ample kill achievements, especially with the series history of respawning foes. However, this game only has achievements that add up to a rather frugal 17 kills for accomplishing a range of simple tasks. Oh well.
Deep End
Perform a drop zone kill. - 50 Unlocked on 28/02/2008
- Jumper was a shit game based on a shit film. It got me an extra 6 kills - let's say no more about it. SHIT!!!
Handgun Master Award
At least 10 different animals have been shot with a handgun - 25 Unlocked on 16/03/2008
- Yet another Cabela game. Clearly I was going through a phase or something, sorry cute critters (and angry wolves). This one yielded up 68 more corpses, some of which were actually fish. Yes, you don't just have to blast apart enemies to get points - sometimes you have to use a bit of bit and drag them, thrashing, from the icy depths. Yay!
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