Friday, August 14, 2015

Actually difficult achievements - I mean GENUINELY difficult. No really.........

Over the years I've seen a bunch of websites and magazines publish lists of what they deem "tough" achievements, and those lists are generally shit. They're shit because the people writing them feel obliged to only use mainstream games like Call of Duty or Gears of War, alternatively they use achievements that actually aren't even that difficult to accomplish.

Here's the thing. Getting Seriously on Gears of War is not difficult - you know why? Because even the worst Gears player can gradually spend hours of their life just chipping away at it. Even if they got one kill a day, they would get that achievement eventually so it doesn't require any real skill, just a time investment. Same is true of a bunch of grindy online tasks. Likewise getting Mile High Club on COD 4 is not hard either, hahahahahaha, if you think it is then I weep for you.

A genuinely tough achievement requires you to be good at a game, but not just good, REALLY BLOODY GOOD. So that is what I'm going to include here. Likewise, I've made the proviso that I would only use one achievement per game as you could probably make an entire list just from Deathsmiles or something similar.

So with all of that in mind here is a list of some ballbreakingly tough achievement tasks that will make grown adults weep and bring low even the mightiest braggart. If you THINK you are some kind of achievement don then perhaps you can give these a go and bloody prove it.


1) Deathsmiles - The True Tyrant - So you fancy yourself a bit of a SHMUP specialist do you? WELL YOU FUCKING AREN'T! At least not until you've hit up Deathsmiles on the MBL game mode at difficulty Level 999, then gone through most of the game without using a single continue, then done the last few stages without LOSING A SINGLE LIFE. All that will just get the boss to appear - THEN YOU HAVE TO BEAT HIM, in what is the most insane display of skill and reflexes known to man/woman/beast. Think you can do this - you're probably wrong.

2) Asteroids Deluxe - Platinum - Oh look, it's an old XBLA arcade game - how hard can that be? Bloody brutal actually as you have to somehow score over 250,000 points on Normal difficulty which sounds simple but is actually harder than Vinnie Jones in his Wimbledon heyday.

3) Cloudberry Kingdom - Shenanigans - What a lovely twee little game this is, full of rainbows and fluffy wonder. How about this achievement then? Oh you just have the simple task of getting through Chapter 7. It's almost natural progression. Did I mention that this includes level 319. Sounds a piece of piss right? I mean the level only takes a minute and has a mere 40 jumps. No problem. WATCH THIS AND WEEP ABOUT YOUR COLLOSSAL HUBRIS YOU IDIOT! (P.S The video shows the A.I accomplishing what no mortal could hope to do)

4) Robotron: 2084 - Wave 100 - Just make it to Wave 100 in default settings in one of THE HARDEST GAMES EVER. I swear that these retro games were added to XBLA just to punish anyone stupid enough to think they could best them. You can't best them, they will best YOU and you will spend a lifetime in therapy recovering.

5) Injustice: Gods Amongst Us - Ultimate Battler - Do you think you're a pro at fighting games? Well here comes Injustice to set you straight. To knock off this "straightforward" achievement you just have to complete all the battle modes. A mere afternoons work right? Well, that's if you have the skill to beat the entire Injustice roster at the highest difficulty without continuing. That's one challenge by the way - now go and do the other 19 sucker.

6) Pinball FX 2 - NEARLY ANY ACHIEVEMENT - Pinball FX has a lot of tables to buy and pretty much all of them are brutally hard. Do you have the skills to get flawless runs on all of the tables to complete the "story modes" locked within them? Doubtful, as even though each table can theoretically be completed in just a few minutes you need to get the perfect streak of bounces, ricochets and point scoring to do everything before you run out of balls. Let's be honest, you never had the balls to tackle Pinball FX in the first place.

7) Chariot - Unbreakable - Hey, it's that game that launched free on Games with Gold. Do you know why it was free? It's because they felt bad about charging you for the mental torture you were about to experience. We're all good at platformers right? So how hard can this be, it's just Mario with a coffin. How about you take those skills and complete the games hidden level without using a single gadget, should take you a few minutes right? Yeah, must be why no bugger can do it. Go hard or go home.

8) Dance Dance Revolution Universe - EXORBITANT cleared - after all those easy games it is time to really work up a sweat, via the medium of dance. What the hell though? Someone only went and made a bunch of impossible achievements here as well. Do you fancy getting flawless clears on songs at 1.5x the usual speed? I don't give a shit if you care, YOU HAVE TO DO IT! This achievement isn't even meant to he hardest set of challenges but the developers are clearly sadists as they sneakily made this one even tougher then the top tier. If you have a spare ten to fifteen minutes then I'm sure you can knock this out of the park.

9) Pier Solar and the Great Architects - That's Slippery - Time for a minigame to soothe those frayed nerves. What do you mean I need a series of perfect button presses over five to ten minutes to get this achievement? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE IS ONLY ONE CHECKPOINT?! WHY IS THIS EVEN HERE?!!! If you have the reflexes of a cat then this one is for you, if you are a cat then you have no idea what achievements are or the thumbs required to manage a controller.

10) Spider-Man 3 - Gold Medal Winner - How about a quick race? How about 48 of the most ridiculously difficult and nefarious races known to man, all requiring perfect timing with one of the worst control schemes ever? Sure, you could knock these out in an hour if you had the mad skills of a gaming GOD, but the reality is that you will attempt them once - fail spectacularly and then wish you'd never even heard of Arachnid Dude or whatever his stupid ass name is.

11) Michael Jackson: The Experience - NO ONE WANTS TO BE DEFEATED - We haven't had a dance game in a while so how about spending a few minutes getting five stars on Beat It, one of Jackson's best songs. Should be easy right? Unless you take into account the fact the movement recognition on this game is appalling, so much so that you actually have to perform the moves ahead of those on screen to stand any chance. Even then the game might arbitrarily decide that you messed up and make you fail. I doubt even MJ in his prime could pull off the moves required to nail this one. The only Experience this game gives you is one of unrelenting sadness.

12) The War of the Worlds - I Am Arthur Clark - complete the game without dying. Yes, complete this twitchy, annoying, glitchy game in one sitting without a single death. LOL. Expect to rage quit long before this becomes even remotely viable - you suck.

13) Child of Eden - Fireworks from Heaven - SHMUP games are notoriously hard and Kinect games are notoriously tricky to control with any subtlety, so why not COMBINE THE TWO INTO ONE UNGODLY MASHUP?! (I'm assuming whoever thought this was a good idea was drunk/high/insane). So now you have to do an almost flawless run of one of the games levels, on Hard, using the bloody Kinect to get things done. We're all praying for you.

14) Rock Band 3 - Is This Just Fantasy? - Time for a bit of singing, I mean it's only one song. Oh, but you have to have three people all singing together to get ALL the triple awesome ratings on Bohemian Rhapsody, if even one of you messes up then you have to redo the whole thing again and again. Probably sucks that the song is so long now, huh? Shh, shh, shh, don't cry - it'll be alright.

15) Gunstringer - Undead and Untouchable - Beat Play 4 Act 4 without getting hit, which would be fine if you didn't have to steer your pesky string man through a series of nefarious obstacles while shooting down a bunch of dastardly types needing split second reactions to do both. I'm starting to think the Kinect was designed purely as a way to make annoying achievements even harder and to have you tear the hair from your head in frustration. Leading to a life time of wig related expenses. Maybe Kinect was part funded by a wig company, did you ever consider that? You did now.

16) Missile Command - General - This is the last of those ancient XBLA games I will put on here, I swear. For this doozy you just have to score 50,000 points on Classic mode, which requires the usual dose of practice, dedication and the patience of at least ten saints. Assuming you manage all of that then you might stand a chance. It's doubtful though, as you probably suck and this game will mock you for the rest of your days.

17) Triggerheart Exelica - Perfect Play - Oh look, it's another SHMUP that requires you to complete the entire game without dying even once. I mean bullet hell games like this are so easy that it should be a massive stroll really, you can probably do this with one hand tied behind your back, while simultaneously running from a T-Rex and also knocking out one of the other achievements on this list on a second console strapped to your leg. That's how easy this probably is. (Give it up, YOU JUST CAN'T DO THIS ONE).

18) Guitar Hero 3 - Living Legends - If you are a total don with a plastic guitar in hand, then all you need to do is find someone else as awesome as you are and get them to help you Five Star all Co-op songs on Expert. Should only take you an hour or so due to your mad skills right? Oh, one small proviso - only player one will get the achievement, so if your buddy wants the achievement too then you have to do the whole thing TWICE. What a crock of shit, right?

19) Earthworm Jim HD - Superhero! - Nostalgia is a funny thing, we all remember how kooky this game was back in the day but forget how bloody hard it was. Not to worry though as there is an achievement for that, all you have to do is get through the whole game in under 50 minutes. Think you have the stones for this? Well I think you're probably as spineless and weak as the titular character (without his suit). Feel free to prove me wrong.

20) Metal Slug 3 - All Cleared Without Continue - Well the name says it all, just breeze through a sidescrolling platform/shooter that is known for its absurd difficulty without continuing. How about the try and beat the game at ALL first, then think about the skills required to do this achievement and then go ahead and play something else that will not make you look weak and feeble. You'll thank me.

21) Trials Evolution - Wail of the Banshee - You could probably put a bunch of achievements from any of the Trials games in here, but I went with this one because I'm a bastard. All you have to do is complete one tournament, Hard as Nails, with ZERO faults using the Banshee. I mean this one is so easy I'm practically giving it away here. Alternatively you'll rack up a million faults on the first section and throw me some serious shade. One of those is accurate.

22) Moto GP 08 - Legend - Win a title on the hardest difficulty with simulation handling and manual transmission. The Moto GP games handle like dogs even on the easiest difficulty, so try upping the ante and take it on like the pros and see how well you do. I'll be over here with a stack of bandages for the approximately one BILLION times you go flying over the handlebars and fail spectacularly.

23) The Beatles: Rock Band - I Got Blisters On My Fingers! - Playing the drums in Rock Band is probably harder than learning the actual drums. Assuming you don't break your plastic gear in the first five seconds, then you need to get 100% notes hit on the Expert version of Helter Skelter. Even bloody Ringo himself isn't up for this. Don't believe me? Just ask him, he told me to fuck right off.

24) Catherine - A God is Born! - Complete the final stage of Babel which is the ludicrous, randomly generated, puzzle tower of doom that you can attempt if you are a Catherine demi-god. Feel free to play it in co-op to make this easier (ha ha) as then you ONLY need to get 160 steps to win. Will you make that many steps? I suspect there is more chance of you being crushed under the games many blocks for lacking the awesome puzzling skills needed to succeed.

25) Hexic HD - Grand Pearl Poo Bah - The game that originally came free with every Xbox 360, so you really should have completed it by now. For this paltry challenge you just need to create a six pearl flower. You need to make a ring of six matching colours to make ONE star, then you need to make a ring of SIX stars to make ONE pearl, then you need to make a ring of those pearls to be done. I mean how easy is that? Other than the random nature of the colours, the incoming bombs and all the rest. Still, this should take you half an hour tops. Get to it.

I'm going to assume that most of you will be totally up for checking off the simple challenges on this list in a couple of days of downtime, so just let me know when you're done and I'll put your name up on the Hall of Fame with all the other LIARS AND CHEATS who couldn't do any of the above.

Now go out and buy Avatar for that nice easy 1,000g and hide your head in shame.

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